if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
