I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
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I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
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I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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