chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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