Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
