Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
