Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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