hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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