I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
