My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Randomize
