What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
