DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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