Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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