Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
