you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
