I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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