i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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