3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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