You smell like a Billy Joel song
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
