I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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