someone threw a dead crab at me
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
