dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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