The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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