Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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