ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
