I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
