So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
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Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
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I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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