Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
