separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
