I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
