He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
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