We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
