Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
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My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
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I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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