You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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