Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
