i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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