No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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