I just pynch a tree in the face
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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