imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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