Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
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My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
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just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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