why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
