Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
