Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
