I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
