i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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