I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
