He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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