I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
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