Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
