I am midnight drunk by noon
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
