That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I forget how to act sober
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