i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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