Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
