apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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