I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
