I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
